Forgiveness ~by Fuller

   As  Petyr  waited in Dr.Ross's office, he started to shake unexpectedly. He was reliving his terrible past.  His breathing was labored, hard. His heart was beating rapidly, and once again he saw his past playback in his head. He watched as his best friend, his mother, little brother, and sister were taken to the gas chamber like so many others. Just as suddenly, Petyr came out of his trance. He started to cry and whispered to himself, "Why  did some people survive the Holocaust while others were taken by the hand of death? Why? Why?"

    Petyr understood he was haunted by his past.  He wondered how to stop the haunting trances and nightmares. He had read and studied about this and was stuck. Was the only way through forgiveness?  He thought, I know I should forgive, but how do I forgive the Nazis? He realized, I want to forgive, but I can't. I can't forgive for the deaths of my sister, brother, mother and best friend.

    As Petyr was deep in his thoughts, Joshua walked into Dr. Ross' office, and waiting for his appointment, he looked for a place to sit. Finally, he took a seat in a chair next to another man.  The man turned his teary face toward him, and Joshua was startled. He felt as though he remembered that face, but his memories showed a slimmer, more terrified face - a face that was terrified of him. He ignored these unwanted memories. He finally offered his handkerchief and the man gratefully accepted it.  As he reached for the handkerchief, his sleeve slid up, exposing a tattooed number.  Joshua gasped.

    Petyr, still teary eyed, noticed the man's startled face.  Why would anybody be startled by me? If anyone should be startled it should be me, he thought.  Then he looked down to where the man's gaze pointed and saw the tattooed number that the Nazis gave him in 1942. It read 6783.

    Petyr was unnerved by this man who is now staring at him with a mix of hatred and apprehension. Suddenly, the man introduced himself,  "I am Joshua.  I wish to hear your story of the war...the great war." 

    Petry shook his hand.  At first he didn't want to talk, but then he though it might help his emotions.  So Petyr started telling his story from the beginning; he told his story.

    "I guess I have to start at the beginning. I was born in Amsterdam,Holland in 1928; we had a simple life.  My father was the shoemaker and my ma kept the house clean, cooking traditional meals in the traditional way. My sister, brother, and I went to school. Our life was great, surrounded by the love of a family and friends...then the worst possible circumstance happened.  

    "Hitler was elected the Chancellor Germany and soon most of Europe was in his grasp. We all know that now. We had to go into hiding in a small cell with five other people.  There were no jobs, and we depended on only two people to bring us food.  They were the only people we could trust; we were scared, scared of walking outside, scared of people seeing our faces. As I sat at the small table one night, my father announced, 'We heard today that Hitler has opened two more concentration camps... and he is targeting Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, the disabled, and so many more people. People he sees as not worthy.  This includes us,' he said sternly to my family, including my little sister who even at three years old understood. The camps are called Auschwitz and Bergen-Belson. We have to be more careful. We cannot be so loud.  We cannot be found or the fate will be terrible,' he muttered. We heard about terrors that we couldn't believe. This information came to us via a newspaper called the Polish Underground.  The stories didn't seem to be possible, but later I figured out the truth that they were right.

    "We stayed quiet for three years.  For three years, I was calm and silent.  We were safe until one day. The day my little sister looked out the window, around the blinds; she saw them.  She saw the dark green uniforms with the r-r-r-red, white, and black patch," Petyr whimpered at the memory.  Even now the vision scared him.  He continued in a scared, trembling voice, "That was the day we all feared.  She looked directly into the face, the eyes of a Nazi."

    Petry sniffed and blew his nose. Joshua silently encouraged him to go on.  Petry shook his head and continued, "It was a time of fear. You could feel it as the dogs barked and the men yelled.  I was pushed, pushed into the cattle cart.  That cart still makes forgiveness impossible. There was barely room to breathe.  I remember the little babies who were silent when they should have been crying.  Where they dead or did they know?  What I couldn't know was that the silence of the babies foretold our future. While we fought with our dreams of escape, they had silently slipped away in their mother's arms.  There were times I wished it would have been like that for me.  
    During the trip, we never slept.  We didn't dare doze.  When we would stop at each station, the whip...the crack of the whip against the cattle car would scare us.  They did everything to scare us, and it worked. Finally,we stopped. When the doors opened, I remember thinking, This is truly the end; it is.


    "A Nazi soldier grabbed me and threw me out into a huge mass of people. It was then I saw it: my brother, sister, mother, and best friend were headed in the other direction. Another wiser prisoner had told me that being moved into the left line was a death sentence; it meant the gas chambers. I saw my family and other weak people being moved into the left line like animals who were no longer in use for surplus.  Before I could yell to them, someone shoved me very hard, and I was eaten up by the swarm of the people who were awaiting the horrors of the Holocaust. I was never to see my family again. 

    "The year was 1942. My life of freedom was swept away, and I was swept with it into a world of hunger and hatred and fear. As it began, it wasn't so bad. There was less food and it seemed that two men would die each day.  It was not a number I liked, but looking back, those were the good times. Not long after arriving, however, things changed drastically. Before our eyes, we saw the pile of unburied human bodies grow like wheat. After the war ended, I learned about 50,000 Jews perished in Bergen-Belson alone, and the allied troops would find 10,000 unburied bodies during liberation.

 

    "I got weaker everyday and every day people disappeared from my life.  We saw a constant stream of smoke coming from the top of the crematorium. Then, two years after my arrival,  I was so weak that I fell to the ground.  Assuming that I was dead, they threw me onto the pile of dead bodies.  I woke up.  For those who have not experienced the Holocaust, I would imagine this would sound dreadful, but I figured I would have a better chance of living there than in the barracks, having to work each day. Under the pile of bodies, I was hidden. I was always scared when the men would run close by me. Even the crack of a twig scared me. I lived a life of fear.  During the night, I would work up the courage to claw my way out and scavenge for food.  It was during one of those nights that I watched them make the lamps."

    Joshua's eyebrows arched.  He looked at Petyr questioningly, urging him on (though he knew what he was talking about).  Petyr cried as he told more of his story.  He cried for the people that didn't make it through but might have had it easier without the nightmares and  unbelievable memories.  But, he continued, "The lamps were being made of human skin."  Petyr winced, as did Joshua. Petyr looked at Joshua and asked, "Should I continue."

    "Yes, please," Joshua responded in a sad voice.

    "It was so repulsive.  It is a story that rarely is told.  But that isn't all they made from human parts.  They made pillows out of human hair.  When I saw these things, I couldn't scream or gasp. I had to be still. It is hard to respond to inhumane acts in an inhumane way. That is one of the tragedies of the Holocaust.

    "However, witnessing this act suddenly gave me an idea of how to stay alive. I had been in the putrescent   bodies for days. I suddenly realized that I had a food and moisture source. Human skin was food and the grimy water at the bottom of the pile would be my water source. This seems barbaric but it was much better than what I saw. I wasn't sure I could do it for the smell of rotting bodies and picking through the maggots was nauseating.  It would be hard but easier than in the camp itself. Now I had to fight the insanity of the day because I couldn't move at all. At night I couldn't move much either for if a Nazi guard saw me, I would be shot instantly, or worse. The horrors were endless."  Petyr's story was further solidifying his belief that forgiveness was impossible.

    "Since I was able to observe more than most people, I saw things that happened in the camps.  Sometimes people would be forced to dig their own graves. It sounds grusome, but for some, it was a blessing.  The death rate was enormous, but the torture of living was just as high."

    Joshua spoke in a raspy voice, "It couldn't have been that bad."

    "Oh it was!" he said defensively, "For every man and women that didn't make it.  You didn't experience it. After two years had passed, suddenly they were taking people out on marches. I figured out from a friend who walked, that if someone fell, they would shoot them through the head.  Their goal was to leave no survivors.  They wanted no one left alive to tell the world of what the Nazis did. But as they walked, I stayed hidden in the decaying bodies.  I began to realize that fewer and fewer people were in the dreadful camp. It started to look deserted. There were many of us hidden in different places throughout the camp, but none of us knew what was going on.  As we realized that we were alone, we began to come out of hiding or I did for many others were much too weak.  One day, I had the courage to come out from under the mass of bodies. I walked, walked without fear for the first time in years. Suddenly, I heard cars coming down the bumpy road, fear returned.  I instantly ran back to the pile of death until I realized it was the best day of my life. The tanks and trucks were British. As the British soldiers tried to comprehend what they were seeing as it was much worse than front line, I asked what year it was.  
    A kind soldier answered, 'April sixteenth 1945. The day of your liberation.' 
    I thanked him, tears streaming down my face like Victoria falls.

    "I had been in there for three years and finally I was free.  I was seventeen and decided to look for my father. The chances were slim, but I tried to believe, to have hope.  I tried to look on the bright side.  The British fed us watery soup and gave us much water.  Coming back from near death was a slow process, but we all believed it would be OK and we could start the journey back into civilization."


    Both men were silent for a short period of time. Full of sorrow, Joshua spoke,"It's terrible what we did.. I didn't realize..."
    As soon as Joshua said that, in a distraught voice Petyr asked,"We? You were a Nazi?"

    Joshua turned to him, eyes wide.  "Yes, I was young and following orders.  Now my days and nights are filled with the horrors of what I did. My pain grows with the years. I cannot sleep for fear of the memories that haunt me.  I know I do not deserve this, but I am asking you for a favor that will allow me to rest.  Please, will you...can you...will you... please forgive me?"

    As Petyr looked into the tortured face of his tormentor, the nurse announced, "Is Joshua here?  The doctor is ready to see you now."

    Joshua took one last look at Petyr.  Joshua was met with a stare from ice-cold, blue eyes. As they looked at each other, they both knew the answer.

By ~ Fuller